Chapter 123: A Dark Period Of Silence

There was a moment which I did not blog.
People asking me where I am,
what I am doing, when am I going to appear again... also asking what the fish is going on in my life...

That was because I was...
in a dark period of silence

As life still went on, I faced a tremendous stress. I was thinking about my financial stability. When I stepped out into society, I began to understand more about reality and expose even more challenges. My network began to grow - a wide range of people...

As I moved on meeting people, I began to feel restless, and found many people had their finance stable. As for me, what did I have?

Nothing at all to stay survived.

When those dark moments came, my anger aroused, my fear trembled, my stress overwhelmed... People around me worried; they are absolutely upset about my bad situation, some even cried.

I felt a strong darkness started to grow within, and I was confused who I used to be. I even asked "God, where am I? Am i going to be a 'devil'?"

God, I am not worthy at all for Your mercy, but I plead for mercy. Bring me back to You. I hurt my loved ones; I could not control my anger; I did not understand why I become like that.

Negative thoughts knocked on my door; My sense of hope turned away from me. That was one of the darkest moments which I ever encountered. Yet my dear friends were looking for me, and caring for me. The love of God still reminded me who He is. However, my heart was as hard as stone. Even my disciples came to encourage me, yet I offended them, and they were hurt in return. At that time, who can help me? Who am I?
A monster? A person who cooperated with darkness? Then who is God to me?

The power of darkness grew within, and confusing my mind, saying that I was not belonging to the church anymore. The mind came telling me "The church will not care for you anymore." I lost my trust towards them. The darkness blinded my eyes saying "In order to succeed, power of darkness MUST BE compromised." My loved ones could not even talk to me, and they were sad to complain about my temper. They cried bitterly "God, show Your mercy." My mindset told me to sin, and do something illegal, tempting me "Easy money comes from the dark."

As I was about to enter into darkness, God showed His mercy. He opened my eyes and once again, I saw His glory. At that time, God reminded me,

"I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." (Isaiah 48:17)

Psalms 118:5-6
“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”